I will never forget the day I found out just two weeks after turning 18 that I was expecting. I left out of that health department in my small town where I grew up and EVERYONE knew my family. I got in my car grabbed the steering wheel and laid my forehead down on it and could not even process what I had just been told. “Natalie your pregnant” is all I kept hearing in my head. The second thing that kept resounding in my head was “my parents are going to kill me.” WHAT HAVE I DONE!!! I am just 18 years old life has so much left to live before I settle down. NO NO NO NO!!!
Are you a young teen mom or a young teen expecting? It is a day you will never forget. A day you will remember forever. The day you heard those words your pregnant or saw those two pink lines.
Telling my boyfriend was not easy. I wondered “Is he going to stay around?” “Is he going to want me to keep it?” “What is he going say?” Showing him that test was one of the hardest moments of my life to date at that moment.
Now I am going to pause for a minute and say this… This post is not meant to shame because honey believe me I felt enough shame as my belly grew to cover us all. Its not meant to make you feel bad we all know that what is done is done. What this open letter to you is to tell you that it is NOT what society makes us believe it is! It is also meant for hopefully a reader who is not pregnant but making those decisions that could lead up to that to rethink what she is doing.
I am going to be brutally honest with you. You can not back out once its done. If you choose to grow up overnight and keep the baby and be an active mom your life has changed. If you choose abortion (which I earnestly pray you choose not to because some couple out there would love to have the child) your life has changed forever. If you choose to bounce in and out of the babies life and have grandparents raise that child your life has still changed forever.
Whatever the choice is you make your life is changed. Let that sink in… No turning back.. Its all different from that moment on.
I will be the first to tell you that I would never ever change one single thing about my first child. Just change the timing. And how fast I grew up. How fast life turned in a moments decision. I grew up with him. I mothered so immaturely. I mothered him through going to college and watching all my friends have the time of their lives living in the dorm while I packed my baby to daycare and returned home to study.
Now back to the moment I had to tell the boyfriend. I told him and the world stood completely still. I was apart of those very very few girls who was blessed and did not even know it. He stood tall and strong beside me. He quiet school. Yes both lives changed. He went to work. Stopped doing what his dream was to be and went to work to support us. Girls that’s not the case most times. Your left for your life to change. ONLY your life. His life just stays the same. Your belly grows your life changes and his it just keeps going the same. It is not fair. Because not just to long ago both of you were having sex, remember? Now he does not want it anymore.
This is the part that hurts the most. Most girls are left to spend the next nine months figuring out how all this will fall into place. Your left to figure out how to support yourself and a baby, love a baby and still be young all at the same time. Your left with putting the pieces of life together all while his life is still the same. What hurts the most and is the hardest is the girl is left with feeling the brunt of the shame and guilt not only from herself but from society. I mean it takes two to tango right? Why is it the girl is left with the guilt and shame? And the boy just seems to get off with nothing. That is the harsh reality of being a teen or young mom.
Going home to tell my parents was the second hardest moment. I was brought up in a loving Christian based home. I had two VERY hard working parents that gave us more then they ha means to give most of the time. Now here I was their only daughter, second born child, pregnant at 18. Boy they were going to be super proud. I still lived at home, no job, still wondering what I even wanted to be when I “grew” up. We sat in the living room and told them. I believe the words took a minute to sink in. After the shock wore off they knew then it was done and we just had to figure out the next step.
Nine months sure flies by doesn’t it? A lot has to happen in nine months.
I was one of the very lucky ones. The father of the baby stuck by me. We married at 7 months pregnant. The stigma of being a teen pregnancy still felt real. I was 18 pregnant and married. WOW! not where I saw myself but there I was.
Now here is the real part of it all. Being that young and pregnant it will test friendships. There are those that have those friends who will stick by you but in most cases they go to college, their lives stay as young girls lives should. They plan futures with babies. There you are young and pregnant soon with a baby and you will not be able to go and do like they can. Your plans turn to baby clothes and swings, those friends plans are what boyfriend they are on now. Your life is a lot different even if you don’t want to admit it, it is.
Nine months is up. Its go time. Hang on because even when the situation is not ideal its a day you will never be able to replace. The day your baby is born. A day that you see what has been growing in you for all this time. The best day of a not so ideal situation can still be beautiful. That day for me changed me forever and in a good way. It will change you, just allow the change to be a positive change. That moment they placed that little 6lb 15oz baby boy in my arms is a moment that defined me. It was a moment of deciding to grow up and prove I was not that young mom statistics talks about.
So many things I could say now. Those few days after birth were some of the hardest days of my life. Here we were home (at the house we could barely afford to rent),newly married of 2 months, 18 and 19 years old with a newborn. Lets say there were some reallllyyyyy long days ahead. A new baby no matter your age is challenging. Feedings every 2 to 3 hours, colic oh the colic, sore breast, hormone shifts, so tired I could not see straight.
Girls those are the moments society does not fill you in on. THE REAL SIDE OF BEING A MOM! The real raw moments after the birth. Its not all roses and baby powder smells. Its not what you see on social media. Sister its hard. Kiss sleep goodbye and your 2 hour makeup sessions goodbye. Now it is survival mode.
Your tested to your very young limits and patience. I wish I had the patience then that I had now. Let me tell you a little secret.. that’s part of growing older patience comes with that. I have so much more 30 then I did at 18. All your friends come to visit. You all talk about the baby and how they can not wait to go shopping with you and the baby, trips to the zoo and so on. Cherish those visits they will end soon. They will get fewer and fewer. You will start to watch them thought Facebook move on with life. You are making bottles now rocking a fussy child, your trips to town consist of doctors visits. Your time now is not spent getting dressed and made up for two hours its a bun sloped on makeup while the baby naps for a few minutes.
This is your life now. No I do not tell you these things to make you feel shame or worse. Its the truth. Its all about baby now. Not you. When really it should still be about you.
Now its time to say this. What you have done is not anything that can be undone. Yes its not ideal but you can get through this. You have to find the right support system. Finding the ones who will support you will get you so much further then you will realize at the time. Looking back the support of ALL my family was so much of making how I turned out as a teen then I knew at the time. My community where I grew up lifted me up and supported me. Making your mind up to be the best mom you can be is key.
Looking back I did a lot of growing up WITH my first born. Not only did he make baby steps so did I. I learned a lot just as he was learning a lot. The down side to being a teen or young mom is having to find yourself while helping another human find their self. It takes longer then most to be able to sort through who you are as person. That to me was the hardest part. Just not knowing yet who I was or could be but yet I had to know because I had someone depending on me knowing these things.
As I come to the end of this I want to say some positive things. YOUR GOING TO BE OK. You have to be. What is done is done. You will be supported by the ones who love you. I promise the ones who love you will support you. They will be apart of helping you find yourself. You will one day look back and see that this “bump” in life was just that, part of making you stronger. Do not let this “bump” bring you down. Let it empower you to be a better version of what has happened. Decide that when you look back you will see the positive of the time and not the negative. Decide for the baby that no matter if he sticks around or not that you will one day be able to open and honest with that child so maybe they can learn from your mistakes. That child is no mistake! No child is! The mistake was making a decisions that changed your life forever.
I will tell you now that I look at all three of my kids and wonder how I made it this far. I will tell you days were not easy. Times have been hard but I know that God blessed me three times more then I deserve. I want my kids to know that being teen parents is not what society paints the picture of. I want my boys to know that they are just as much a part of the decision to have sex as the girl is. I want my daughter to know that even though I came out on the other side of it ok, its not ok. I want her to know that her innocence will be robbed forever and there is no turning back. I want her to know that God did not intend on a child to raise a child.
To all the girls young, having sex. Know that its not ok. Those decisions will last you a life time. You will never be the same. Save yourself for the man designed for you. Save yourself for who God is molding and making for you. Save yourself for the man who will be there through all the good bad and the ugly. Save yourself from a lifetime of baby daddy drama.
That little 6lb15 oz boy is now almost 12. I owe a lot of who I am to him. He taught me unconditional love. He showed me that when you have to you can do it. He made me realize that love is bigger then I ever knew.
